Well hello

Welcome to the blog of me, Paige Tabone; student, writer, nerd, self-critic, telly-addict and self-confessed Cerebral Palsy-er (or wobbly if you will). It is the latter that has brought me to blogging. Ramming my way through the bullshit stereotypes that surround disability, showing the undiluted truth of someone twenty-two years into living on the often bumpy and unpredictable road against what's seen as 'normal'.

I'm aware you might have just got lost trying to navigate yourself to a hilarious cat video; now you are looking bewildered as you see nether a ominous looking jump or an unwittingly naive cat. Yet whether you find yourself here by purpose, mistake or luck I welcome you and offer you to get yourself comfortable, grab a nice cup of tea or a strong, stiff drink and stay for a bit. You see this isn't a story about some poor, unfortunate girl with a disability; it's simply a story about a girl with a set of tits, a set of tires and a mission to set the disability misconceptions record straight...

Wednesday, 22 July 2015

The Dangers of Inconvenient Penis's

If I have to see one more pair of genitals I have not willing asked to peruse I think I’m going to go insane; or chop them off I haven’t decided yet. It’s one of the more unexpected biohazard to life in a wheelchair; they are everywhere. When you’re the height equivalent of 3ft 11” they are just there, whether you like it or not. They get enwoven into your daily visual tapestry. The world is full of cocks; in this case very literally. As someone is coming towards you it’s the first thing you see, it’s unavoidable. For most people you look straight ahead and the first think you catch is eye contact because that is what is in your immediate vision. Me? Well mine is penis. Or vagina, there is a lot of those out there, I feel bad not mentioning vaginas, and I know my male friends would be seriously offended if I didn’t. We are all about equally on this blog. For me though its penises and I have to tell you being at penile height can be a real endangerment. For example, try being on a crowded train at eight in the morning with some old man genitals in your face and you can't stand up to avoid them. Not only is it highly unpleasant and exceedingly unsanitary, a man’s bits flapping around by your face so vigorously  you can almost feel the breeze as it whistles pass your ear, it’s a risk. Trains aren’t always the smoothest of rides and with the uneven tracking that you undoubtable come across on your morning commute, there is a very really possibility of a face/penis collision. That sort of face plant could cause some serious damage. Black eye, broken teeth, you name it. Just imagine that story when you get to work; ‘So Paige, what happened to your eye?’ Well…

Then you come to crowds. This seems to apply mainly to big crowds and when alcohol is involved, at concerts or  at the student bar. I’ve lost count at the times someone has unexpectedly stepped back on me while I’ve been waiting for a drink at the bar and suddenly I have a strangers arse practically thrust in my face. If I try and put my hand up to stop it I looks like I’m inviting it and trying to touch them up. Then what’s the alternative? Openly accept a face full of bum-crack? There is no conceivable way of getting out that situation well. That’s without highlighting a bum’s incredible effectiveness to strip you of your sight. I don’t know if you have ever been as a concert, or any large crowd for that matter, in a wheelchair and found yourself a few rows back? You might as well turn round then and there and head straight back to where you came from because the chances of you getting to see anything in front of you are less likely than me beating Usain Bolt in a 100m dash. There could be a giant monkey with five heads on that stage in front of you but you would be none the wiser because all you can see is a steel wall of arse. They are resilient little fuckers too, once they are planted no ducking or diving will see you get passed those jiggling barricades.


Okay so I can’t lie to you and say it’s all bad There has been times in my life, in my rampant teenage years, where this perk has been rather enjoyable. I say ‘rampant’ I really mean ‘desperate’ and ‘pervy’ and by ‘teenage years’ I mean ‘my life’. I think we’ve established in previous exchanges I was a late bloomer in the sexual world so inspecting a pert bum was the only way to pass the time. With my apparent lack of subtlety though, I always got caught. There is nothing worse than getting caught by you friend shamelessly staring a careers bum as they bend down to tighten a footplate. As I said before though it’s unavoidable I swear! Plus there is nothing more enjoyable than being behind a pertly bum in an otherwise soul destroying British queue, it makes the post office visit a lot more bearable. 

On reflection maybe it's a unrealized perk to disabled life, unlimited genital ogling, like free parking and half price concert tickets? Then I get the image of John McCririck on a train and I think a was definitely right the first time...