Well hello

Welcome to the blog of me, Paige Tabone; student, writer, nerd, self-critic, telly-addict and self-confessed Cerebral Palsy-er (or wobbly if you will). It is the latter that has brought me to blogging. Ramming my way through the bullshit stereotypes that surround disability, showing the undiluted truth of someone twenty-two years into living on the often bumpy and unpredictable road against what's seen as 'normal'.

I'm aware you might have just got lost trying to navigate yourself to a hilarious cat video; now you are looking bewildered as you see nether a ominous looking jump or an unwittingly naive cat. Yet whether you find yourself here by purpose, mistake or luck I welcome you and offer you to get yourself comfortable, grab a nice cup of tea or a strong, stiff drink and stay for a bit. You see this isn't a story about some poor, unfortunate girl with a disability; it's simply a story about a girl with a set of tits, a set of tires and a mission to set the disability misconceptions record straight...

Friday, 17 July 2015

Sun-ish, Sex and Suspicious Positions

My deepest apologizes for this blog taking so long to hit your very fine screens. If I am honest with you I've been mustering up the courage to write this entry; as you might guess from the title its a little risqué. Yet we are 5 posts and 1,973 views in, so I figure we know each other well enough by now. I should say at this point this post will contain adult content and frank sexual chat, so if you are of a sensitive disposition, or my dad, may I suggest you stop reading now.

Okay, now the formalities are over, let’s talk about sex. Sex is one of those things that is still seen as a massive taboo in the biosphere of disability. I mean, how can someone whose legs are a bit wobbly been seen as sexual, have sexual urges or indeed have actual sex? Surely we are all prudish asexuals, who, are adorable when they have a school girl crush but that would never want to  have sex. Right? So very wrong. This is the biggest assumption about disability that really irritates me and frankly that needs to change. Let me put it out there right now, I've had sex. My friends have sex and, shocker, the vast majority of us are disabled; and do you know what? I bet were all pretty damn good at it. We are not wired any differently. If Jamie Dornan walked into the room right now I can assure you, like many of you, I'd be experiencing some flutters; and I don't just mean from my eyelids. Just because the messages to my legs don't get through properly doesn't mean the messages to my vagina are the same. Granted I'm not going to sit here and say sex as a disabled person is easy, sometimes you have to be a little, um, inventive, but it is possible. It's not like I can be shackled, upside down to the ceiling, 'Fifty Shade of Grey' style; though with Cerebral Palsy's joyous gift of spasms shackles could be handy... God knows that sometimes you feel like an amateur code cracker finding positions when your flexibility is that of a wooden spoon, but that does not mean that you can't do it and do it well. Oh and, hey, let's be fair, a disability can bring some novel perks to the bedroom. Take the so-called 'CP shakes' for example, just as good as any vibrator and you don't have to change the battery half way through!

Then when has sex ever been simple; for anyone? My god, it's a minefield isn't it? Admittedly I'm fairly new to the game; not many people get the horn on for an over-weight, spotty, doctor who loving teenage geek with Cerebral Palsy. All I can say is my maths GCSE had nothing on the complexity of the sexual world. Firstly there's positions. I mean even the suggestion of something called 'the windmill' must strike fear into the most horny of hearts. I have this image to a poor, unprepared girl being spun uncontrollably around, on the end of a bended-kneed man, like a screw cap bottle; that can't be sexy right? It's a damn certified moment for the 'boob clap' and no-one wants that.

Then you come to dirty talk. I'd like to think of myself as quite a confident and forthcoming speaker, but there has to be nothing more awkward than someone asking to 'fuck you like a dolphin', which is apparently erotic and was a line unfortunately exclaimed to me once during sex. Not to mention the unbelievable amount of etiquette involved, especially during your first time. I found myself becoming unfathomably British during mine. I became really conscious of everything. In front of me was a well formed, naked man standing to attention and I found myself politely questioning, 'excuse me, would you mind terribly if I were to grab that.' I think he half expected me to stick out my little pinkie and pick it up like a teacup. 

All I'm saying is sex is the same for everyone disabled or not. Awkward, enjoyable and often cringe-worthy, so if you are one of those people who has a problem with it, I urge you politely to deal with it.

There is a reason I decided to tell you all of this and risk the utter humiliation of my unsuspecting Nan stumbling across this post. The unashamed truth is I have a little update for you from my post a few weeks ago and it's the fuel that sparked this sexually driven entry. I officially have a date with Essex's answer to David Gandy, the gym Adonis! He stumbled across my blog, apologized and asked to take me for a drink to make it up for it. I know what you’re thinking, and yes, it could be seen as a little fickle to accept after my less favorable post, but after all I have eyes and, well, after this post it's not like I'm coming across horny at all... Well at least now he knows what he’s getting himself into right?